I'm talking about a different kind of date night. A date night with that obnoxious roommate of mine. A date night with Otis.
For those of you familiar with OCD and its treatments, this is my way of referencing ERPT...exposure and response prevention therapy. According to many professionals, this is the most highly recommended and most effective form of treatment for OCD. I began this type of treatment not long after my diagnosis, under the supervision of my new therapist.
The basis of the therapy is to purposely trigger an intrusive thought, and then sit there and ride out the entire rise, peak, and fall of the anxiety without engaging in any compulsions. Sounds pretty simple, right? Well let me put it in simpler terms for you.
Imagine you had a phobia of spiders. It's like going to your therapist's office, letting her put a spider on your arm, and not being allowed to freak out about it.
That's a pretty watered down version, but you get the point. To willingly let someone trigger your scary thoughts and to not be able to respond in the ways that typically make you feel better is a horrific experience, to say the least. The science behind it makes sense though. It's about learning to experience the anxiety without seeking false reassurance of safety. When someone with OCD experiences a trigger, we generally cope with that trigger in some sort of unhealthy (or at least unhelpful) way. My therapist informed me that the human body can only remain in a full blown anxious state for a certain number of minutes. So, by practicing ERP, we learn to ride out the tidal wave of anxiety without engaging in our compulsions. For someone with contamination OCD it might look like touching a public door handle and then riding out the panic attack without being able to wash your hands. Each time you do it, the tidal wave gets smaller and shorter, so eventually it feels completely manageable and does not interrupt daily life.
Or so they tell me.
I didn't continue seeing that therapist because of a stark difference in world views. It was getting in the way of my ability to be vulnerable. Thankfully I am seeing a new therapist that is taking a much gentler approach to the concept. I haven't made a ton of progress yet, but the journey is only beginning. In order to make it more understandable to you and easier to accept for me, I think of it like a date night with Otis. Here's how the first one went.
After a brief period of self-reflection, I was able to compose a list of some of the things that OCD has stolen from me. Part of this exercise was listing out the things that once brought me joy but have now become triggers because they are associated with triggering memories. For example: I have a love of knitting, fuzzy blankets, and chai tea lattes. Any one of these things on its own are only mildly triggering. I knit a LOT. In most cases it's a very helpful distraction from OCD, and a healthy replacement for my outward compulsions (scratching, picking, hair pulling, etc.) But if you put these three things together it is the perfect storm of triggers. The heavy association with a relationship gone sour, one that has become the source of some extremely wretched intrusive thoughts, causes that combination to send me soaring into an OCD tornado.
I was journaling about it and came to the realization that it is just plain sad that I allowed OCD, and this relationship, to steal the things I love from me. And I'm sick of it.
Enter Otis and the aforementioned date night. He even dressed up...
I'm not typically a bow tie kind of girl, but it suits him.
In a state of sheer determination to reclaim these things that I love, I chose to engage with them all at the same time. I sat on the couch, mug of chai in hand, covered in my newest fuzzy blanket, and proceeded to knit a simple dishcloth.
Ugh.
It went surprisingly well. I didn't panic. I felt a little sick to my stomach, my knitting stitches definitely became tighter, and I was sweating a little bit. But I survived. Even better, I felt a bit victorious.
Inviting Otis to sit down with me, looking him in his ugly, blood shot eyes, and choosing to listen to his cheap talk brought me one step closer to reclaiming a bit of myself that has gotten lost in the throws of life with OCD.
It's a very tricky thing though. I find it much easier to work toward overcoming outward compulsions like nail biting and skin picking. It's become fairly easy for me to recognize when they are happening. Nate recognizes too, and can help point it out to me. When the compulsions are internal, or mental, as in what is often referred to as "pure O" OCD, that becomes so much trickier for two reasons. One: no one else can see inside my head to catch me engaging in my mental compulsions. Two: most of the time I don't even realize that my thoughts have slipped from obsession to compulsion.
(Here is a better description of Pure O, if you are interested.)
Needless to say, I have a long journey ahead. I am thankful for everything I have learned so far, and for the fact that there are ways to grow and work through my OCD. Unfortunately, knitting, chai, and fuzzy blankets are only the beginning.
To my fellow OCD sufferers reading this blog, you know what I'm talking about. I admire you, applaud you, and pray that you will continue to find victory in your treatment as well. I'd love to know though...what has your ERP journey looked like? How are you implementing these skills in your daily life? How do you stay encouraged? Please comment here or on FB. I'd love to learn from your wisdom and experience.
For the rest of you, thank you for taking the time to read this, to learn, and to understand. It is such a blessing to have a network of support, and to know that I have cheerleaders out there that are routing for me. Please continue to pray that Otis and I can learn to live in harmony.
No comments:
Post a Comment