Well, about ten months or so ago, Otis made a friend. Of course I didn't recognize Otis was there yet, but he was. And he was crouched in the corner and ready to pounce.
February of 2018. Hubby and I had just arrived home from our first short term mission trip to Haiti. It was incredible. I could write ten different blog posts about that trip and the work God did in my heart. He taught me so much, and lit a whole new fire in my soul. Up until that point my walk with the Lord had been solid, fruitful, beautiful. We served our church faithfully and soaked in the Word with a genuine desire to know Him more. We were doing out best to love people, even though we weren't anywhere near perfect at it. But Haiti.
Haiti taught me just how far I had left to go. To be fully immersed in a culture that was so radically different. To be surrounded by Jesus-lovers with a faith so deep when I perceived them, at first, to have so much less than I did. To worship beside men and women of a different race, singing the same song as me but in a different language. I came back wanting nothing more than to realign myself with God's heart.
Lord, break my heart for what breaks yours.
We really weren't sure what this would look like once we got home. On the one hand, I felt like we needed to sell everything we owned, move to Haiti, and start living simpler and more faith filled. I wanted to be closer to the people that had the kind of faith I desired...my new Haitian friends. We knew that wasn't what God was inviting us to do at that time. Instead, He invited us to be a part of a new church plant in Rochester, Minnesota.
It wasn't a third world country, but at times it felt that radical. Part of it was because of how rapidly things moved. It was three weeks from the day we said "yes" to the day Nate started his new job. As things began to move more quickly we started to tell our dearest friends that we would be moving. Part of what got me through this step was the fact that we would only be about an hour and fifteen minutes south of our previous home. An easy day trip.
Well, this is where Otis pounced. I was taking a walk with one of my closest girlfriends one day and decided to break the news as gently as possible that we might be moving.I was in my first trimester of pregnancy with my fifth baby. Now, I'm assuming you've read my previous posts for a little back story here. Up to this point I had already been struggling in the area of my mental health on and off for several years. This friend was fully aware. She had seen some of my darkest moments. She had been there to support me, and I never expected that would change. But she said something to me that was instantly seared into my mind.
"With your history of postpartum depression, how can you know you'd be an asset to a church plant?"
Oh, the implications here.
I feel it's important to point out that this post isn't about her, or that relationship. I can tell you that the relationship no longer exists (for many reasons, and not by my choice) and the chances of her ever reading this are extremely minimal. If she does, maybe it will get her to talk to me so we can finally reconcile. We'll just leave that one in God's hands for now.
Otis was all over this one, and he uses it to torture me to this day. Now, since you're probably thinking it already, I fully recognize the lies buried in this statement. Here they are in case it isn't obvious.
My mental health is going to make it impossible for God to use me in Rochester.
This person knows me better than most. If she thinks I can't, then it must be true.
I have nothing to give.
I'm too broken to be an asset to anyone or anything.
I'm useless.
I'm worthless.
She's right.....
See, this is how OCD works. It takes that one thought, that one statement, and starts a big, heavy, momentum building ball rolling down a steep slope.
Is God really inviting us to do this?
What if we aren't actually following Him?
What if we're doing this for the wrong reasons?
What if we regret it?
What do my other friends think?
Am I going to lose the people I love because I'm following God's will?
Does she think I'm worthless?
This could be the biggest mistake of my life...
Then, the feelings come flooding in as the thoughts rush out of control.
Anger
Doubt
Anxiety
Fear
Bitterness...
The catch here, if you are a Believer, is that none of these things are from the Lord. I know that. I tell Otis that. I open my Bible. I read Truth. I meditate on Truth. I isolate the lie, cover it with the Truth, and move forward.
Unfortunately, for the OCD mind, it isn't enough. It might momentarily duct tape Otis' mouth shut, but it doesn't mute him permanently. For such a long time I actually thought that this was because...
I don't have enough faith.
I don't read my Bible enough.
Maybe I'm not really saved.
Maybe God's Word isn't true.
Maybe God is displeased with me and is punishing me...
(Now that is the religious OCD talking. A subject for another day.) I know with 100% certainty that I am going to heaven. I have accepted Christ, his death, his resurrection, his forgiveness and the gift of his love with my whole heart. But for the OCD mind, it still doesn't quiet the voice.
I have since learned that there are legitimate physiological and chemical mechanisms in my brain that make me different, and prevent these simple truths from being enough. I still practice taking my thoughts captive and making them obedient to Christ (2 Corinthians 10:5). I still read, meditate, and memorize scripture, and call on those verses in times of distress. But the compulsions still come. The main compulsion I experience is rumination. This is where the thoughts, the tape of lies, just keeps rolling, and my anxious mind responds by trying to make sense of it nonstop and rehearsing conversations. Other times the compulsions are more obvious. I've scratched, picked and rubbed my skin until it bleeds. I have pulled out chunks of my hair. I have counted, traced shapes in the air, typed the things I want to say on my "air keyboard". All these things, even while covering them with scripture, then reset the tape and start the cycle all over again.
Relationship OCD compulsions also take the form of seeking reassurance. I wanted so desperately to be reassured that these things weren't true. I sought that reassurance from the very person that hurt me. As the relationship continued to dwindle, I continued to chase after it. I desperately pleaded for forgiveness and reconciliation. I would call other loved ones looking for some sort of reassurance that God was pleased with me, that we were making the right choice, and that I wasn't actually as useless as Otis said I would be on this church plant. It consumed me every waking moment. Some days it still does.
We all struggle with these sorts of things from time to time. OCD is different...it consumes your whole life. I would, and still occasionally do, find myself sitting on the side of my bed so lost in my thought battle that 20 minutes may have passed without me noticing. The anxiety and the compulsions are debilitating. They interrupt my life and keep me from functioning.
The good news is, my experience since arriving in Rochester is proof that it was all a lie. Yes, I've hit my lowest low since being here. Yes, I have had mental health struggles. But you know what?
I've poured out every ounce of myself because I love Jesus.
Even in the midst of those lowest lows, I've chased hard after God and I have given everything I have and everything I am for His purpose. To disciple my children, to serve my husband, to spread the Gospel, and to build the church. Most days it doesn't look the way I want it to. Most days I feel like I'm not doing enough. But it's not about the doing, right? It's about the being. God knows my heart. As long as I continue to be with Him, to search for Him, to spend time with Him, and to respond to the time we spend together, he will bless the work of my hands.
"Commit your actions to the Lord, and your plans will succeed." Proverbs 16:3
HIS plans will succeed. His plans, for whatever reason, include Otis.
So sit down, Otis, and brace yourself. We are just getting started.
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