When She Noticed

I was having a sweet time of discipleship with my seven year old daughter the other day. She came to me and asked, "Mama, what do you do when God wants you to do something but you feel like it its too hard?"

We pulled a book off of my shelf called "God's Promises and Answers"; a wonderful introduction to the concept of a concordance. We opened it up to the section titled "when I feel discouraged".

I don't remember what verse we were reading when we came across a word she didn't recognize.

"Mama, what does 'affliction' mean?" 

"Well, sweetie, it's kind of like a sickness, or something that causes you pain."

"Oh...so like what you have?"

I felt my stomach lurch and my arms and legs grow heavy as one of my fears was realized. She had noticed. 

I know it's foolish to think that she wouldn't have caught on over the past several months. Between the hospital stay, the days I spend in bed, all the extra help around the house, and my change in temperament, things have not been what they used to be. I had hoped that she would chalk it up to my pregnancy and having a new baby sibling. Not so much. 

Her question certainly created a wonderful opportunity to talk about how God does not promise us a life free of affliction. We looked up scripture, talked about things in our lives that are hard, and prayed together. In hindsight it was a beautiful thing.

But I just couldn't swallow the fact that I had been found out. 

My therapist would tell you that this is all linked to the underlying issue of shame in my life. Everything seems to come back to it. We haven't quite gotten to shame's roots yet, but hopefully we will. I mean, why else am I paying so much money to dump my life story on someone? 

Enter God. Man, did He give me a good spiritual thump on the head! Shame or no shame, He had given me a golden parenting opportunity that was even more significant than I had already figured. And a humbling one at that.

Where does this lie come from that we need to make life perfect, easy, and lovely for our children all the time?

I know I wasn't raised that way (thank you, mom and dad, from the bottom of my heart!) and I've never believed that. Yet somehow I fell into the trap. The idea of my oldest child, my sweet little girl that is growing in awareness every day, noticing that I was struggling and maybe even failing, made me feel even more ashamed of my life and my perceived lack of fruit and accomplishment. The truth of the matter is that she is going to be far better off because of it.

See, our kids need to see us struggle. They need to see that we have challenges, that we don't feel well sometimes, that life is hard. They need to notice that mama isn't always happy, that her relationships can get rocky, and that she has to cry out to God. They need to see that she doesn't always feel His presence, that she is broken, and that she knows her need for a savior. Once our kids see those things they can see the other side. They can see the healing, the redemption, the faith, the growth, and the maturity. They can have a true understanding of humility, forgiveness, reliance on God, and sacrificial love. 

We lead by example. We can't just talk the talk, we also have to walk the walk. 

It's in that crazy, crooked, off-the-path, lost-in-the-woods-sometimes kind of walk that they find Christ. It doesn't happen through trying to be perfect wives, children, parents, disciples, servants, or anything else. They meet Jesus when they see us have to cry, ask for help, ask for forgiveness, and lean into family and faith. 

So today I have to say thank you, Lord, for OCD. Thank you for bad days. Thank you for my weakness. I rejoice in it now, and I pray that you will use it to lead others straight to you...especially my precious children. 

Please Lord, let her notice.